Not so good

Warning: this is going to be intentionally vague. I need to write but I don't want to get into things a whole lot. I am not expecting comments back, this is honestly more for me than anyone else.

Last night did not end how I'd expected. A long, honest talk that I ended up taking very personally. I understand these things take time but it also scares the shit out of me. I've been there. I know it takes a long time (it took me bloody forever) but I'm the kind of person that even though my brain knows it isn't personal, I will still take personally. Like there's something I should be doing, or doing better, or something I did to fuck things up...I overthink things. I know it.

I'm scared I'm just a rebound. I'm scared that someone better-less neurotic, less messed up, less nuts, smarter, prettier etc. etc-will come along and that will be the end. I know you have to take chances, but the last bunch of times I've put myself out there I've gotten stomped on. It's scary. But I'm willing to take the chance. Doesn't mean I'm not terrified though. But what if I'm the only one willing to take that chance? That pretty much leaves me with the short end of the stick...again. I dunno. It just was not at all the direction I thought last night was going to take. Things were great, lots of fun and then-WHAM-suddenly in this conversational minefield out of nowhere. I'm really scared. I can be patient, but I'm scared. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. I really want things to work, but we don't always get what we want, do we? I don't want this to be one of those times where things don't work...

Emotional hangover today. I'm glad school was cancelled for the weather otherwise I'd have been a complete wreck. I had horrible dreams last night which definitely didn't help matters.

I haven't blogged lyrics in a long time, but I just keep listening to MCR's "Famous Last Words" over and over again. You know the idea that we all have a theme song? I think this is mine for so, so, so many reasons-not just this particular situation. Silly. Obsessive. I know, but I can't help it. I attach myself to songs and need a soundtrack for my life at all times. I feel like I need to keep repeating "I am not afraid" and eventually it'll be true. About everything in my life that scares me.

Now I know, that I can't make you stay
But where's your heart, but where's your heart
But where's your...

And I know, there's nothing I can say
To change that part, to change that part
To change...

So many, bright lights they cast a shadow
But can I speak, is it hard understanding,
I'm incomplete.
A life that's so demanding, I get so weak.
A love that's so demanding, I can't speak.

I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone,
Honey if you stay I'll be forgiven,
Nothing you can say can stop me going home.

Can you see? My eyes are shining bright,
'Cause I'm out here on the other side,
Of a jet black hotel mirror.
And I'm so weak, is it hard understanding,
I'm incomplete.
A love that's so demanding, I get weak.

I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone,
Honey if you stay I'll be forgiven,
Nothing you can say can stop me going home.

These bright lights have always blinded me
These bright lights have always blinded me
I said...

I see you lying next to me,
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid,
Asleep or dead.
-MCR