14 August 2007

Six days left

I'm getting very anxious about going back to school. I somehow don't think that I'm supposed to be filled with dread at the prospect of heading back, am I? I wish I knew exactly WHY I'm so worked up about the whole thing. I like my students (for the most part) and I don't mind teaching, but there is a good part of me that REALLY doesn't want to go back to school.

I think I feel kind of trapped.

I'll be honest, I don't see myself teaching for the rest of my life and I certainly don't see myself staying at this school for the rest of my life. In fact, the thought of that makes me feel almost claustrophobic. Is that wrong? I feel like teachers are supposed to have this grand ideal of helping the youth and being totally dedicated to that goal. So, what does it say about me when I am almost 100% positive that I don't want to do this forever?

But then I get to the question of, what else could I possibly do? Sure, I can write, but: 1)I'm in a contract for the next year, so it isn't like I could take anything even if the perfect writing job fell in my lap right now; 2)I don't have remotely the kind of experience anyone seems to be looking for; 3)It seems idiotic to even be thinking about something else when it took so long to get this job in the first place.

I don't know. Maybe it's just end of the summer mourning. Who knows. I just don't really want to go back and then feel guilty for not wanting to go back and anxious about all the work I feel like I should have been doing this summer.

I think I need professional help. Am I the only teacher that feels this way??

1 comment:

Kathleen said...

I wouldn't worry about it... some summers you're ready to go back, and some summers you want to stretch out a little longer. I think every teacher has those moments when they say, "How can I POSSIBLY do this for the rest of my career?!" - even teachers who know that they DO want to teach for 30+ years (god knows I have). The fact that you know that you don't want to do this forever is OK, and heck, at least you're not fooling yourself. Since you've got to go back at this point, I'd say just start to focus on the positive - things you're looking forward to teaching, etc. Good luck!